i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
