i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
