Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
