I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
