I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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