I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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