I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
