last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
