Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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