The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
