I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
