I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
