i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
we're so committed to being not committed
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
