Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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