420 ftw
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
