woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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