worst night to have a conscience
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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