hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
