How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
