I just threw up on my dentist
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
