I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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