your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
