I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
