he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
