idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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