Just cropdusted the office
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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