Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
