I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
