OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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