I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
