How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
