I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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