No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
