You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
