Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
