i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
