his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
