He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
