I hope mine doesn't look like that
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
