i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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