The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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