Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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