Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
