i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
