Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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