I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
