btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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