Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
