The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
