Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
