she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
